Sunday

#281 // The one thing I resolve to stop in 2018

Hello! Seeing as it's my first post of the year, I'm still going to run with Happy New Year. I wondered if I would use this space in 2018. I've barely touched Instagram and seem to have a very fractious relationship with my phone and the online world right now. But that's another post, for - hopefully - another day.

For now, I'm just going to get to it.

I don't often feel like a grown up. And I never felt like an adult at all until I was close to thirty.

In my mid twenties, I'd look at my friends with kids and genuinely wonder, "are we old enough to have one of those?" It made no sense to me. As some of my nearest and dearest had kids, when I'd look after or be around them, they'd tell me my feelings would change. But I was always of the "aww cute, okay, you can have them back now" train of thought.

I would like to have kids at one point, but it was always clear to me that the twenties were not going to be the decade for me to do that in.

But the thing is, I've treated the "I don't feel like an adult" line like a licence to - not be immature, but I definitely think, shy away from grown up things. I'd keep all the things I associated with adulthood in a box held at a distance, sort of assuming it would all just happen one day. A home, a career change, living in a different city, savings, a hairstyle that doesn't make me feel twelve years old.

Yeah, let me tell you: It. Does. Not.

In telling myself I don't feel grown up, I've kept myself small, haven't pushed myself, haven't had the experiences or achievements I'd have liked to. I haven't had the conversations I've needed to, to get me to the place where I just magically thought I'd be by now. I essentially gave my subconscious a free pass to continue down the road I was on. Still moving, but not really going anywhere.

You may not feel like one, but you are one. So get on with it.

So in 2018, I resolve to stop talking about the things I feel I am not. Because in truth, it's just wasted vapour of no purpose. Instead of using our breath to birth intentional, actionable, motivating and self-inspiring words, we build a verbal barricade dictating that we can't do something before we've even tried.

I always remember the Proverb (18:21, thanks Google!) that says, "Life and death are in the power of the tongue," and I truly believe in the power of words. What you say out loud, or even in your head to yourself is a statement of declaration. You are what you say you are. So, what you saying?

Life has this funny way of segueing fluidly and adapting quickly, making you feel like you've always done a certain thing. So, while this may not feel like it, and I'm not quite sure how I got here, this is adulthood. At least my experience of it. The questions and feeling unsure, the big decisions, the autonomy. The sometimes feeling a fraud, the doing things our way. It's all part and parcel.

You are what you say you are. So, what you saying?

I don't mean embracing being a fuddy duddy, even though naps are, and always will be, amazing. I just mean acting in the power of the person I've grown to be and know myself to be. I've done some things, I've been some places. I am qualified by the experiences on my life CV, and I want to start acting like it. And even if I don't have the right qualifications for some life event, I don't want to limit or undersell myself. So whether you don't feel confident, like an adult, capable of getting that job, responsible enough to do that thing, disciplined enough to reach that goal. Stop.

Just because you don't feel like it, doesn't mean you can't do it.