#237 // Body Talk: Ready. Set. No?

I was 12 stone 8lbs when this photo was taken. It accompanies this post that I wrote a little while ago. I'm now about 13 stone and I'm fed up, frustrated and disappointed with how I look and feel at the moment. I've gone up a dress size, my face is rounding out and my back fat rolls have upgraded themselves to hotdog finger roll size. 

I don't feel sexy, I don't feel like me. I don't feel strong and full of beans, more bloated and full of ice cream.

I see myself as functional. My body is the vessel that takes me to work and back home. That cleans the house and makes dinner. It's something I cover in loose layers, because what's the point? But there is a tiny, tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy little something deep down that doesn't want to be defeatist and still wants to do something about it.

I had been trying to complete my 2016 fitness challenge, but that is continuing to fall by the wayside. The thing is, when you feel like you're putting in the work and seeing no results, it's so disheartening. So much so that you sometimes just give up on what little momentum you still have.

But a girl loves to eat, so I try and tell myself "right, I'm just gonna have to learn to love me as I am. If this is the effort I'm willing to put in, if this is the amount I want to put in my mouth every day, then I need to learn to be okay with this." Okay is the word that keeps cropping up in this post, and that's the crux of it: I just want to be okay with me. I have no desire to have abs for days, just fewer belly rolls for months.  

I'm angered that a part of me still equates sexy with smaller. I know that sexy is a mindset. It's the way you carry yourself and allow yourself to be treated. It's an awareness of self and the invisible, yet palpable presence of a real life "eff you, I'm fabulous" filter.

I want to get to a point where I love myself at all times, not just when there's a bit less of my silhouette. And I'm fully aware of how dangerous it can be to place a large amount of how you feel about yourself, solely on what you see in the mirror. 

Don't mistake me, I'm getting there. I listen to kick-ass podcasts by show-stopping women, I have friends that light a fire under life's ass. I surround myself both digitally and IRL with positive, action-filled, passionate women. I know this stuff. 

It seems that working out and feeling strong is just part of me. It's a large part of how I feel good within myself and where I often find my mojo. But it's also evident that there's a disconnect. Because if it were just about working out, life would be gravy.

I want to see a physical change as part of the pay off.

If sexiness had a Snapchat filter, it would be like that epic glowy one, captioned: 'eff you, I'm fabulous'

So I've found this new plan that's largely based on weight lifting and tracking macros. I remember when my boyfriend and I used to hit the gym at 5.30 in the morning and I do weights. I've never seen my body change so much in such a short space of time.

But I'm scared.

Scared it won't work. Scared that my willpower will wane and preclude the enthusiasm at the start. Trust me, I've been to that point many, many times before. In fact, there's only been one time I lost a substantial amount of weight, but in trying that method several times since, I realised the nonsense air food I had been eating, and it just didn't work for me any more.

I've been getting the Train Eat Gain daily emails since May 6th of this year. That's over two months of umming and ahhing, googling reviews, looking at transformations and filling out all of my information before clicking off at the final sign up page. 

I know that real action and real change only happens when you get to a point where you want to tear your hair out and scream: "I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS!" But in the meantime, don't you go thinking the negative voices will sit there quietly on the sidelines until you feel like it. No Siree bob. 

Whether I sign up or not, I know this much: in order to truly unearth my sexiness and bring sassy back, my mind needs just as much, and probably more of a workout than my body. The mental conversation with myself needs to change and be tracked as much as them damn macros. 

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