Note #208 // 98 Drafts: When you feel like a blogging failure

blogger, failure, blogging

I went on a training course for work today. 

I knew I'd be a lot closer to home, and so was excited about getting home to finally fit in some blogging. And now I'm here? Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I've got ideas, so many ideas, but no clue how to get them onto digital paper. And when do I have ideas, there's no time. In fact, there's another f for you, "Fitting it all in". Blogging is a myth with work right now. I can't keep up. I'm comparing myself. And by comparison, I'm a failure. 

I'm frustrated. 

I read a fair amount of blog advice (possibly part of the problem). I'm always critiquing and tweaking. I edit, minimise the size of and add alt text to my photos. I try and be true and relatable, so where are you people? I've written one kick ass post. Flock to me. Ahem... I kid. Excuse the Kanye West moment there. 

(When I do create content) I create posts that I'm always really happy to share. I rock up to blog events on my own and try and talk to as many people as possible, but do I have "blogger friends?" Nope. Anyone to take my #ootd or patiently wait with while they get the perfect flatlay of lunch? Do I heck. 

I'm friendly, I comment, I tweet, I twitter chat. I proofread before I publish (less common than you'd think, trust me), yet my Bloglovin' count has been stagnant for the best part of a year and I feel like one of the loneliest and most boring bloggers on the planet. And that's a really difficult feeling for someone like me to deal with. I'm the perfectionist that doesn't want to try if she's not going to be the best. I'm the people pleaser that wants to be liked. Not the best traits, but *shrugs*, that's me. 

So I'm now in the place where I constantly question what I'm doing wrong, creatively crippled by my feelings of inadequacy. I have ninety-eight posts in my drafts. Ninety-eight. But I feel like none of them are worth continuing with or publishing, because... well, what's the point? 

So, do I just admit that I'm wasting my time? That no one likes my writing or cares what I have to say, so therefore I should just quit while I'm (not) ahead, but at least have a few strands of internet-dignity in place? 

Now, I know that two posts a month and throwing a strop when no one new follows me on Twitter, does not a successful blog make. And I'm going to try and up my game, because truthfully, I'll never be ready to put down this pen or ditch this hobby. The written word, this form of creative expression, means too much to me. 

I've watched countless people start up Twitter accounts after me and two tweets later (slight exaggeration) watch enviously as they enjoy having a network, a hub. They have blog friends and meet ups, interaction and look like they're having a whale of a time through an Instagram filter. Like seriously, move over Taylor Swift, those are the #SquadGoals I'm after, thank you. 

In writing this, I know two things: that a) I sound like a whiney so-and-so, and b) look a bit desperate, but, well... give a shit really. I'm just being honest. Some people may argue that they write for themselves and they don't care if they have five followers of five thousand. I blog for me too. Honestly, truthfully and frankly. But I'd like others to read my words too as a massive part of blogging for me is the shared experience. The community. The relatability of it all.

People say there's no formula to being a successful blogger or vlogger or what have you. "Just be yourself." But fuck me does it hurt when it doesn't feel like your self is good enough. I deal with that entirely too much in so many aspects of life, that I really don't want to add lonely/old/boring blogging spinster to that list too. 

I used to feel like blogging was for everyone. I don't feel like that so much anymore. And that in part, is because there are so many inspiring, brave, pretty and pretty bold people making their mark on the internet. It's not for the small girl in a woman's body documenting life and she lives and learns it. Where's the USP in that?

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