Tuesday

Note #191 // F is for Failure


Failure. 

That's the word that started my blog revamp. Failure. Not a very positive start, but stick with me. As has been well documented on this blog, I turn thirty in a few months and I've just come out of a major lull that lasted weeks. No, it was more than that. It was a downward pull - like a weight tugging on my spirit. A weight filled with disappointment. For not owning a house yet. For giving up my rented one-bed flat and coming home to my nan's where I sleep on a sofa-bed. For not being able to drive or have a car by the big 3-0. For not travelling as much as I feel I should have done. For not carrying on blogging and vlogging when I first started about six years ago. 

For giving up my dreams of being a journalist because I was scared. For not being "successful". For being a short, chubby little thing instead of a lithe, clean-eating ninja. For not feeling sexy and empowered. For not looking my age. For not having the good weave and knowing how the hell to manage it. For not being interesting enough for the masses to want to follow my blog. For being average. For only just about earning the UK average salary nine years after leaving uni. For still being in debt. Heck, even disappointment at not being able to take a decent selfie. You name it, it was on the list. 

But you know what? I was basically drowning myself in the expectations of other people. Yes, there are ways I've let myself down over the years, but a lot of the reasons I felt the way I did were based on nothing but imposition. Why lament not having a ring on my finger, when I'm still not sure I want to get married, and am actually very happy in my relationship as it stands? Why feel like my "freedom years" are over, when I've only just come across the disposable income in order to actually live those dreams? Why worry about not feeling like a success at thirty, when I've only just got to a place where I know what my passions are and what I want to do? MY LIFE ISN'T OVER BECAUSE I'M THIRTY. 

So I'm shrugging off this label I seem to want to affix to myself. To me, failure only exists if you stop trying. Or put another way, rather than protecting yourself from failure, you're actually doing yourself a disservice and denying yourself the opportunity to succeed. It doesn't matter whether your version of success is speaking in front of a group, launching a blog or You Tube channel, changing careers or taking your fitness level up a notch.

So sorry failure, but it 's a no from me. Not to you and no to fear. No to anything that is going to put me in the mindset that I'm living a half-baked life or that I'm failing somehow by not living up to societal and cultural or age-deemed expectations. Because you know what? I only get one life and I literally DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

This is my life. And I will continue to live it my way and seek my version of happiness. And this here blog is where I'm going to document it all. 

Welcome, once again.