Sunday

Note #111 // Feelings.

I always proof read my posts at least three times before pressing publish. I'm even more conscious when I know that I've written something when I'm in a particular mood. I think it's important to show life isn't all clouds and fairy dust when you blog, but sometimes you do have to step out of the moment or wait til it's past and think, 'is this really what I want or need to say?' So now I'm moving out of the dark storm cloud I was under, I feel like I can finally put this post up as I can see through the funk and articulate what I was feeling.

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"This week hasn't been a particularly great one. You know those times when you have little and nothing to complain about, yet feel like life is in total disarray with everything and nothing the matter. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm constantly tired. I want to spend all day long in bed. I feel lethargic and just 'ugh.'

I've found myself retreating, shying away from the very things that normally inspire and encourage me. Instagram when you're moody is a tool of self-torture. The juicers, fit fams and kick-ass dressers? *hides* Most blogs and vlogs - right off. And why oh why does Kim Kardashian have to be on these shores when my body confidence is at its lowest? It feels like she was sent here to taunt me personally. The beautiful embodiment of all that is superficial, revered and quite ugly about society. Excellent.*

And on that note, never in my life have I felt so unattractive. It's an odd combination of feelings: I'm getting to the point in life where I give so few shits about looks and make up and trends and fashion, but berate myself for not keeping up to par and still want to look good. I don't think that changes at any age. I look around and there's a sea of women who look so on point, beautiful, ambitious and cocksure and then there's me - growing paunch and shiny-faced (I've got no clue where my powder is and refuse to buy a new one). I feel like I just fade into the background. I know who I am, I'm happy with that person, so why every so often does an absolute crippling crisis of confidence occur?

Experience tells me that we're all just muddling along trying to figure things out, and the same person you're looking in awe at is probably looking right back at you thinking the same thing. But you know when logic does absolutely nothing for your current feelings? Yeah, that.

I guess I feel disillusioned. You can never keep up with the onslaught of newness and I happily pass on the baton. I just wish I would hurry up and get back to being happy where I am. I just think it's interesting the way that not all priorities, desires and measures change at the same time. I feel like I stumble around in this weird state of in-betweeness sometimes; too grown to care about some things, but still young enough for jealousy and vanity to grip me. Do we ever get over that?

And then once one thought gets hold, the onslaught of negativity ensues, until you can't find one single positive thing to say. Any achievement you've reached means nothing and all of life is shit. I know that I'll get past it, but there are too many thoughts engulfing me. For now, I'm just dragging myself through each day until I stumble out of this funk. These are the times that garlic bread and pasta were made for. Long live carbs.

*even though I hate on her, you have to give it to someone, anyone that puts in the work to be so body beautiful or achieves whatever goal. It's all hard work. I just thank the Lord that my wages are based on more than my looks. How exhausting."

Looking back at those words after a few days have passed, I can appreciate them and am thankful that I can close that door move on, but when you're in the midst of it? Them dark clouds are powerful. I love that I can blog here and express myself. It helps to just get it out by any means necessary, whether it be on a blog, to a friend or jotting a letter to yourself. Feelings are serious so don't brush them under the carpet. Confront them. Even the crap feelings are important. After all, how do know you're happy if you don't acknowledge the down times?

Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know personally, so see the sites below for further advice. I used to volunteer for YouthNet, and support The Samaritans with a monthly donation and think they're both bloody great.