Note #104 // The Top Ten frustrations of a London Commuter

*Clearly there are more than that, but I gotta keep this punchy.

1. Tap your oyster. Tap. Not tap and twist. Not tap and leave your arm flailing behind you until you're through the barriers. This is not a relay race. Though, I can muster up some brilliant mental imagery of what I might do with a baton, given I have bruised ribs and possible internal bleeding from the gates slamming closed on me thanks to your oyster jigpokery.

2. Take your fucking backpack off. Now.

3. Incessant fanning in the Summer. You're actually making yourself hotter. And distracting me from my kindle. Just grin and bear it like the other 657 people in the carriage. 

4. "CAN YOU MOVE DOWN PLEASE?!" And where is it that you'd like me to move to, exactly? Oh sorry, I'll just curl up like a sloth and hang from the railings.

5. Being mistaken for being with child. I've got a natural pot belly and bad posture. But believe, I'll emphasise it, thank you profusely and sit my ass down. While crying on the inside. #NotPregnantjustgreedy

6. Misjudging that last gap by the doors. Know your dimensions guys and gals. Waist bigger than Victoria Beckham? Then mind the closing doors and wait for the next one.

7. The District and Circle lines. Tube travel or MENSA entrance exam?

8. Did you know you too harness the power of invisibility when getting off a train? Yep. People getting on cannot physically see you. True stories.

9. It's a hand rail, not a back rest. I'm short and can't reach the overhead rails without exposing some serious thigh. So, see that thing called a spine? Use it.

10. And finally, ladies and gentlemen, the Cental line. Most recently rated as unsafe to transport cattle on, but on we humans shove regardless.

11. (A bonus owing to last night's commute) I'm stood by the doors and step out to let others in the carriage off. Why is this an invite for that one eager beaver to think they can diss your act of courteousness and jump on before you? No, no, no, no, no. If you wanna make headway in this commuter game, learn the rules, and learn 'em quick.

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