Note #90 // Transition

Spring: Nan's garden in full bloom

Spring - it's a time of transition. Flowers are blooming, it's brighter, clothing layers get lighter. And boy does life feel like it's transitioning right now. I'm 29 this year. 29. The big 3-0 doesn't scare me one bit. Most of my peers freaked out about age last year and I was cool as a cucumber, but 29 scares the bejesus out of me. 

I'm just getting back into blogging and though I'm really enjoying expressing this side of me, I can't help but feel like I've missed the boat. I feel too old to take part in blogger meet ups and anyhow, I have a job and other commitments that prevent me from doing so sometimes. I feel like the generation coming up are so on it, so is there even any point in me putting my two pence into the atmosphere? The women, bloggers or not, with a few years on me seem so assertive with their style, goals, careers and here I am just coming out of the other side of a career change and so desperate to get on and make something of myself. I just feel so behind.

And something big happened this week. Prima magazine keeps being mistakenly delivered to our office and one lunch time a casual flick through ended up with me engrossed for my full lunch hour! You don't even want to know how many screenshots I took on my phone. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME? 

I've got no desire to nest or have babies any time soon. My biological clock is on snooze and I'm completely fine with that. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME? Am I deluding myself with regards to this thing called time? Do I need to just get a hustle on? In one sense I feel so young and inexperienced and like I'm just starting to spread my wings. Yet in another, I feel like I have (and in some cases want) to put my "young" dreams and things away, and get on with being an adult that has it all together and all planned out. There's nothing wrong with either, I just don't know where I stand.

Life changed all of a sudden and while I know that you don't just shrivel up and disappear once you hit thirty or have kids, I'm just really freaked out. I don't own a home, I don't even have a driving licence (though I can drive). And at my age, I feel like I can't have it all (though the logical part of my brain knows this isn't the case anyway). But for example, I can't have a car and a house and contemplate getting married. I have to pick one because they are all so bloody expensive, I haven't been the best with money and just one of them will vacuum up the little money I have. 

I'm happy with my life. I have it good. And even though there is no right or wrong way to live it, I still want to ask, "am I doing it right?"

No comments:

Post a Comment