Note #74 // The Voice... Mine.

I debated whether or not to put this post up as it's a very personal thing for me to discuss. Music is one of the closest things to my heart in the world. I come from a line of great musicians and singers with my grandfather being a whizz on the trumpet, my dad singing like an angel and a nan that has ailing health but sings at the top of her lungs when it comes to praise and worship.

My dad was a 'sound man,' part of the 'Turb-o-matic Crew,' a group of friends passionate about making music. I grew up with speakers taller than me, leads, decks and microphone stands taking permanent residence in my room. Every night, I'd fall asleep with a particular song on repeat and wake up to it in the morning. I remember once spending an entire Saturday morning singing Monica 'Before You Walk Out Of My Life' over and over again. My dad almost killed me. And now I'm a working woman and understand just how precious that Saturday lie in is, I can see why (lol).

I did musical theatre as a kid, was in the choir at school, taught myself how to play the piano and guitar and studied music up to A level. I've sung at the Royal Albert Hall and Abbey Studios; I feel more naked if I've left my headphones at home than my phone. I wholeheartedly LOVE music. It speaks to me in a way I can hardly describe. And I can sing, but don't very often any more (a bad experience and lack of confidence I guess). In fact, only when I'm forced to. Why? Because I'm a perfectionist. If I can't be the best, I don't want to do it. I'm very very self-critical when it comes to my singing. People tell me I should do something with my talent, but when I hear the immense voices  in the world, in comparison, I see myself as very beige. You know, just average, rather meh really. 

Last week, one of my best friends got married and had always told me I was going to sing at her wedding. True to her word, when the wedding planning came round, she didn't even ask me, just presented me with the track. And not just any track - one by Jennifer 'American-Idol-Powerhouse' Hudson, of all the bloody songs in the world! I tried to change it to something that I could do more justice to, but you can't realistically ask a bride to do that on her special day. 

But do you know what? It wasn't that bad. In fact, it was pretty good. Of course I'll always think it could have been better. I'm not the best. I never will be. But that's not a reason for your voice or passion not to be heard and I've always recognised a release that comes through the expression of song. So while I seem to be on a bit of a 'loving myself, loving life' vibe right now, I've decided to do one to the scariest things I've ever done and share the song - and my voice, here, as this blog is another of my little places of self-expression.

I still don't really know what I want to or should do with it, if anything. I still don't know if I feel good enough (and that's not an invitation for any compliments you might be nice enough to make - I won't believe you and I've become a dab hand at brushing them off anyway).

I don't know how to end this post, so I guess I'll just say thank you to Didi and Flloyd for helping me put the recording together and to my friend Annette for asking me to be involved in such a great day. It was a blessing and I wish you many years of happiness with your new husband. I love you both xx

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