Note #73 // The New Sexy

phsjxR on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

Never have I ever felt so sexy in all my life. Not hoochie sexy, truly sexy. 

The type of sexy I'm talking about is a confidence that has been unearthed in the last few weeks. It's that feeling of true femininity, understanding of self, contentment and power. 

I've always struggled to feel happy being myself. My formative teenage years were spent piecing together the characteristics of peers I admired, in a bid to make a whole that was acceptable to and pleased the world. I longed to love and be loved, never thinking I was enough.

The first thing that changed was that I decided to change my job. And this time, I didn't tell anyone about it, as I didn't want anyone else's two pence to put me off. I quietly set about my plan and though it's early days, I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad I took the risk. I may be a  poor 27-year-old intern, but I don't have Monday blues any more, and I don't clock watch or moan. Basically, I did something about a part of my life that wasn't satisfying me and I'm ten-times happier for it. It feels like one of only a few times that action has triumphed over words and I'm incredibly proud of myself. That quote comes to mind: "Find something you love doing and you'll never work another day in your life." It sounds cheesy and indulgent, but it's flippin' true.

Everyone knows that I love my clothes, but I'm no longer buying to meet trends or fast fashion. I buy less frequently, but I buy better - better quality, longer-lasting, multi-tasking pieces that I can transform from day to night, from "Summer" (whatever that means in England) to Winter. I buy more confidently. And then actually wear it - forcing myself out of the house sometimes thinking, "You had conviction when you bought it, you had an outfit in mind - go with it." It might sound shallow, but what I wear makes me think about the qualities that person might have and how they might be perceived. In turn, this helps me to feel more confident and act accordingly (hey, fake it til you make it right?), or draws out a characteristic that is already there deep down. Rightly or wrongly, that's the way it is.

One of the most empowering things has actually been rocking my natural hair. I was a bit (a lot) tentative at first. My mum and friends encouraged me, my nan naturally said, "hell no" (strangely, even though she has some very outdated views on life, she is one of the people I want to please the most). "New job, new me?" I thought. So, I went with it. And then something weird happened. People, strangers, started telling me they liked my hair and that it suited me; like seriously, stopping in cars, in restaurants - I even had a lovely exchange on a train platform about the black diaspora. And to my surprise, I liked it - more and more. And though I liked the compliments from other people, I gave the fact that I liked it the highest precedence. I've always felt a bit different and it felt nice to have that difference noticed so vocally and for it to be admired. It kind of completed my quirky, retro look and just felt good.

I feel so happy right now. I feel full of life - like I know and accept myself and that the only person I'm trying to please is me. I'm not chasing after some unattainable dream or ever-moving target. I'm not comparing myself to others while simultaneously welcoming the critique of whoever cared to give it about any decision I made because frankly it was exhausting and made me miserable. 

So yeah, this is me. My name is Sasha. Nice to meet you. 


No comments:

Post a Comment