Note #69 // Thirty minus three

I'm feeling like I've wasted a lot of time.

Time misspent not following my instincts because I was scared or because I was busy thinking about what other people would think of my decisions. Time wasted focussing on where I thought I should be instead of where I wanted to be. If I wanted to go skiing or live abroad, why didn't I? Why did I listen to the "older" and "wiser" people who said I shouldn't do things, not realising, those reactions in themselves were more about their fears than my own?

To be fair, I was an idiot in my own right. Stockpiling clothes and racking up debt, instead of stacking that cash. I guess my view was that I didn't know what I wanted to do, so all of my resources were there to be used in the here and now as I saw fit.

Now is the time when I'd like to be thinking about taking a career break in the next few years, taking a mid-life gap year so I can go around Europe and learn French like I've always wanted to; or gearing up to buy a house, and going on grand rather than shoe string holidays. It just feels like now I'm getting an inkling of where I want my life to lead, everything has to be pushed back, because I was playing the game all wrong. I didn't understand the rules or the concept of time (ie. that there isn't as much of it as I thought). 

Aged 27, I have literally only just started to feel like an adult this year. I didn't know what I wanted before and if I did, I fobbed it off because none of my peers wanted the same, so therefore I thought I must be wrong. I should have used my energy when I was younger to sort myself out, push myself to my hardest, open all revenue streams and earn as much as I could, so I'd have the means to take action when I knew what it was that I wanted to do. I'm not saying I'm old and decrepit now, but I am disappointed in myself.

However, all isn't lost. An article in Red magazine recently talked about the productive life cycle. We allow age and commitments to form obstacles that defeat us before we've begun. However, if you think about the time span in which you have to be productive in terms of career, family and social spheres (I've still got a good 38 years left in the kitty at least), we've only used such a small percentage of it, with the vast majority still ahead of us, unwritten.

Anyway, shoulda, coulda woulda's get you nowhere, so the question is: what now?

I know you shouldn't allow the pressure of saying things like, 'by 30, I must have achieved this" but for these specific things, it feels right and achievable (and in truth, isn't setting a time limit on a specific achievement just called a goal?). By 30, I want to have sorted my debt, built up some savings, and have my career on track, so if I do decide to randomly jump on a Eurostar to Paris and not come back for five months, I'm not trapped financially and can have the true freedom to make such choices. I also want to allow myself to live more instinctively and not listen so much to other people. If they love me, come success or failure, they'll be there on the other side.

I've already been making headway on all three goals, I just need to double my efforts and '30' is shining like a beacon not too far ahead of me. I just want to feel like I lived life and did some shit that I can look back on and smile about when I'm in my rocking chair at triple that age.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent post, just summed up how most over 25's feel about life x