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Note #247 // Thoughts In Thundersnow


I was in a foul mood last night.

I don't even know where it came from.

I ended up working late and I was a bit anxious because I had an impending external audit that's really important for work. But there was something else under the surface. I'm still not entirely sure what it was, but I can identify where the negative train of thought started.

When I finally got home, I got straight into bed with an entire pizza to inhale to myself and a frozen cocktail. Hey, what can I say? Some people like retail therapy, carbs and cocktails work for me.

Fast forward to this evening. I got day one of the audit out of the way and some of the anxiety went along with it (amen!). And then the snow came down.

Firstly, I want to shout out the guy that was walking in the same direction as me to the station and shared his umbrella with me. Not in a "let me pull a faux-chivalrous one and try and move to her" way, but simply just to be nice.

Now, when it's pissing down with rain, it's all scowls and the odd FFS slipping out under your breath, but the same rain in frozen formation? How magical! Given that when the snow fell on my weave and my body heat melted it, I was going to end up with the exact same frizz situation going on, I should have been all scowls and cuss words as before, but for some reason it didn't rile me up in the same way.

Same rain, different presentation, different perspective.

And it just made me think, maybe the next time I'm down, I should try and reframe the situation. I could have all the same thoughts floating through my mind, and situations going on around me, but had I reframed it, maybe I wouldn't have wasted an entire evening eating all the calories, feeling sorry for myself and generally being unproductive and miserable.

Yes, note to self: REFRAME and REGAIN.

Image credit: unsplash

Note #246 // ENOUGH


One thing I've ascribed to in the last few years is taking a word, phrase or quote into the beginning of each new year, to use as an anchor for the 365 days ahead.

The last 6 months have been somewhat transformative for me, and actually, the word for this year isn't just for 2017, it's something I've been trying to live and breathe for the latter part of 2016 and want to always keep anchored close to me. The word? ENOUGH. And specifically, embodied in the words below:
I am enough.
I have enough.
I've had enough.

I am enough.
In every sense of the word. My body is enough. Just as it is. With my chunky calves, broad shoulders, and pot belly. My widening hips and thighs are delightful and I will not let anyone, including myself tell me that my size 16 body is anything but fabulous. 

I beat myself up a lot for feeling like I'm not there for people enough, for feeling like I'm not a good enough partner and could always do and be better. Even if not asked to, I put that pressure on myself. But, my love - for myself and others - is enough. 

The thing I've learnt about being and feeling that you're enough, is that it's rooted in love. And if I don't love myself, how can I demonstrate love to others, show them how to love me and in turn, remind them to show themselves some of that good good love? What might feel like quite a selfish and indulgent thing, is actually a universal gift.

My job is enough, my life is enough, you see where I'm going with this, right? And I don't regard the sentiment in a "it just about hits the mark" kind of way, I mean it in the, contented, plentiful sense of the word. I am so gloriously okay.

I have enough.
Clothes. Stuff. Money. Time.

I've been on a long road to revamp my money mindset. I'm two weeks from paying off a credit card, my credit score has never looked better, I have a pension and two ISAs. I am in financial control. 

In the midst of said revamp, I Marie Kondo'd my wardrobe. Firstly, there was shame. How did I amass SO MUCH STUFF? How about, by letting what you owned, own you *sharp intake of breath at the harshness of me checking myself* ... but that's another story. 

Anyway, in order to sort out my money situation, I had to learn how to be content with what I had. I got rid of a lot, I unsubscribed to marketing emails, I forced myself to wait a couple days to see if something I had seen was a fleeting desire or something I really needed and wanted. 

Enough. Not more.
I put myself on a one-in-one-out restriction on things like candles, books, magazines, food stuffs etc., because if I really wanted them, I'd remember it when I was through with the current one. No more unnecessary stockpiling. 

I adhered to the Marie Forleo mantra of "create before you consume." 

Financially, that meant 'save before you spend'. Create the life you want before you buy someone else's.

I had enough time, I just misused it. So it meant going to the gym and being my own motivation, instead of making a Pinterest board about my gym inspiration.

And it means doing the things that matter, ticking the things of the list, making the phone call you've been meaning to. Because, if you can find time to sit up til 2am binge watching Netflix, you can find the time to do the other things. First.

I've had enough.
By August of 2016, I was tired. 

I had had enough of the way I was speaking to myself and about myself. I was tired of the ways I'd witness women talk about themselves in self-deprecating, self-sabotaging, half-jokey put downs (there's always truth in jest), but struggle to say one positive thing about themselves.

I was tired of settling. Settling for a half baked, debt-racked, lacklustre life.

I was tired of feeling behind in life, but equally of not checking myself like, "babe, you're 31, le fuq are you doing?" Because frankly, fail to plan, plan to fail. So I took some time out and made some changes:

  • I wrote a gratitude journal every day for 21 days, finding the tiniest thing to be grateful for. 
  • I wrote about my feelings - the things I'd internalised, originally writing them off as trivial or silly. I let my voice roar across those pages in all their valid glory.
  • I took up photography and started seeing the world around me in a completely different way.
  • I sat in silence and challenged my thoughts.
  • I made budgets and stuck to them. 
  • I said no to things I couldn't afford, or to things I simply didn't want to do.
  • I looked myself in the mirror every day and found something to praise about my body that I once criticised. And I praised it until the practise became a new permanent, positive lexicon.

And six months later, here I am, speaking my "enough-ness" daily and protecting it fiercely. And I will continue to do so, even to encourage one person to do the same. Because we don't need to live feeling like a permanent less than or not good enough in our own lives.

So for me, if 2016 was about recognising and believing I was enough, 2017 is about living because I'm enough. It's about being bothered about my worth, my dreams and the life I want to make for myself. 

I'm enough. I always was, but I see it now.